I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW, PART 3 / 12

[kachelofen]

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW


PART THREE

Brian sleeping with Lindsay comes as quite a shock to me. Of all the people I know, Brian is probably the one who’s the most secure in his sexuality. He was practically out when he was still at school and his parents must have been the only people left in Pittsburgh who didn’t know that he’s gay. Most guys experiment at some stage in their lives, but I assumed that Brian was long past that point before we even met. Sleeping with a woman out of curiosity was not something I expected him to do.

On the other hand, Brian is a hedonist. Anything sexual he will try, so it’s a minor miracle that it took him this long. I’m not even sure if it was curiosity. He doesn’t talk about it. When I asked him, he said he'd tell me if I told him about the time I slept with Daphne and the conversation stopped right there. I don’t talk about that. It wouldn’t be fair on Daph and it’s not the same anyway. We were both free to do what we wanted and it was more about alleviating her fears than about curiosity or even sex.

Now, I know that Brian doesn’t consider our relationship as something that should in any way limit his behavior. I got used to that and, in general, it doesn’t bother me much. But Lindsay is in a relationship, which at least her partner considers monogamous, and I always thought Lindsay did, too.

I’m not surprised that Brian doesn’t care about Melanie’s feelings – that’s definitely mutual – but I thought that he at least cared about Lindsay. They’ve been friends since they met at college in his first year, but the way he spoke about the encounter left me reeling. He showed no consideration for Lindsay at all and I’m pretty sure that he’s been avoiding her for the past three weeks. As ambivalent as I feel about her, I can’t help wondering how she’s coping. But what bothers me the most about it all is how callous Brian can be. Sometimes I have to ask myself if I’m misjudging him after all and just see things in him because I want to see them.

One thing is certain, Lindsay hasn’t told anyone. If she had, especially if she was upset, all hell would have broken loose by now. Over time, I’ve become part of this close-knit group of people who hang out a lot. We don’t really fit together much, but certain relationships within the group have turned us almost into a family. There are the three couples: Lindsay and Melanie, Michael and Ben and Brian and I. I was friendly with Melanie before I met Brian and we’ve both become friends with Ben. Melanie and Ted get on like a house on fire and Brian and Lindsay are friends. Then there are Michael and Brian still. And Emmett, who’s friends with everyone. And above all, there’s Debbie, who has practically adopted all of Michael's friends and me and the lesbians, too. Ben is the only one she would cut off without a second thought if only she could.

We gossip a lot, about other people but also about each other. Whenever there’s an upset in the group, everybody takes sides – passionately. As Brian is always the center of attention, he causes most of the upsets, and even when he doesn’t, his scornful attitude towards the others’ misfortunes usually turns him into a target quickly enough. In defending him, I often find myself in an unlikely alliance with Michael and Lindsay. The only other person who sometimes takes his side is Ben, of all people.

So if Lindsay had talked, I would have heard about it by now. Melanie, at least, would have left me in no doubt about what she thinks of my boyfriend. Instead she told me two days ago that Lindsay decided to move in with her. I got off the phone pretty quickly after that because I felt like I was deceiving her somehow. I know it’s not my place to tell her what happened, but it feels like betrayal to me. We are friends after all.

And Debbie hasn’t said anything either. She has her hands full with making plans for the weekend. It’s Pride Weekend, but she’s more focused on the fact that Vic’s coming to visit. There’s to be a surprise party and we’ve all been more or less ordered to attend. I’m wondering how much fun that will be for Vic, since he hardly knows most of us.

Brian has agreed to turn up, much to my surprise. He’s been avoiding what Debbie bills as ‘family dinners’ whenever he can for quite some time now. There was a big bust-up between him and Debbie two years ago and their relationship has never been the same since. I have no doubt that Debbie loves Brian like a son, only, he’s definitely the black sheep of the family.

It’s pretty brave of him to face Lindsay at a family gathering. She clearly has the upper hand there. All she has to do is mention what happened and that he hasn’t spoken to her since. Group dynamics will do the rest. Although why Brian should get the blame for the whole fiasco is beyond me. Ever since I met him, I’ve become a lot more cautious about judging people. What happened between Brian and me could have easily been construed as something rather sinister by outsiders on account of his age. And our relationship now is nothing like it seems either. It’s easy to jump to conclusions and as far as I’m concerned whatever consenting adults do, is between them. But that’s not what the others will think.

When Brian and I arrive at Debbie’s house, everybody except Lindsay and Melanie is already there. Debbie’s busy cooking Vic’s favorite dish. We’ve all been to see the parade and some of us already had a few drinks, so it’s a miracle we’re even here. Most of us have agreed to stay for dinner and maybe an hour or two afterwards, but what we really want to do is get back to Liberty Avenue and celebrate. I’m rather hoping Vic will feel the same way, so that it won’t be so embarrassing when we all slink away early. We could all celebrate at Woody’s or something.

Ben and Michael have brought the kid they’ve taken in recently. I don’t quite understand what the deal is, but it’s been going on for a few weeks now. Well, he isn’t quite a kid anymore, I’d guess about fifteen, very skinny, with scraggly brown hair. They picked him up when he was hustling outside their apartment. Because that’s what you do, you see a hustler and you ask him to move in with you – naturally. It’s really bizarre because Michael is barely half a dozen years older than he.

“This is Hunter,” Ben says and he looks as proud as if the kid was his own son.

I say hello to him, but he only gives me the barest of glances and hones in on Brian. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Brian says with bored disinterest and turns towards Michael.

Hunter is unperturbed. “You wanna fuck?”

That gets Brian’s attention alright – and everybody else’s. Emmett starts giggling, while Ted just shakes his head. Debbie drops the Lasagna pan onto the kitchen worktop with a deliberate noisy clang and Ben lets out an admonishing, “Hunter!”, which the kid completely ignores. I turn around to see Brian’s reaction.

He looks Hunter up and down, then turns to Michael. “This the kid?” he asks, obviously amused.

“Yeah, this is Hunter. Hunter, this is Brian.” I don’t think Michael likes his new roomie very much. He sounds exasperated.

“So, how about it?” Hunter hasn’t given up yet and sidles up close and personal to Brian, who pokes one finger against his chest and pushes him to a more decent distance.

“Yeah, I think I’ll refrain.” He hugs Michael instead and kisses him on the lips.

“I should hope so,” Debbie says from the kitchen and it’s impossible to tell whether she’s more annoyed with the kid or with Brian. But Ben’s already dragging Hunter into the corner by the door and giving him a lecture. He completely obscures the boy from sight with his large frame and he can be pretty imposing when he wants to be. I hope it works because I don’t want to spend the rest of the dinner watching some teenage hustler hit on my boyfriend.

“Brian Kinney strikes again,” Ted mutters.

“Yeah, it was rather predictable, really,” Brian grins.

To give myself something to do, I set out the plates and the silverware, which are still stacked in the middle of the table and take a seat. This is really not my idea of fun. And it just keeps getting better because just as Ben and Hunter are returning to the table, the front door opens and Lindsay and Melanie walk in.

It’s impossible to tell whether Brian has actually not noticed them or is deliberately pretending not to see them. He sits down next to me and it’s almost comical how fast Michael and Hunter move to get to the chair on the other side of him. Luckily Michael is a lot closer to the table and gets there first. Brian seems amused.

There are greetings all around and Melanie takes some dish into the kitchen. It’s probably some sort of meat-free concoction that nobody but the women will eat. None of them seem to ever work out that the guys don’t like their food. Personally, I find only Ben’s cooking less palatable than theirs.

Lindsay has moved up to the table and when Brian doesn’t pay any attention to her, she says, “Hello, Brian,” very pointedly. So much for not letting anybody know that there’s something going on. Everybody is focused on the two of them within seconds, while trying not to be too obvious about it. I can tell that Melanie doesn’t know anything yet by her lack of reaction. She glares at Brian, but it’s no more than what she usually does.

“Hey, Linz,” Brian says calmly. “How’s it going?”

“Fine. Haven’t seen you in a while.”

He shrugs. “I’ve been staying at Justin’s on and off.”

Try, all the time, but who’s paying attention to details anyway? Lindsay shoots me a quick look, flashes an embarrassed smile and sits down opposite Brian. Well, at least she’s embarrassed to look at me after what happened, which is more than can be said of Brian.

“You missed class,” she carries on.

“I really didn’t miss it much and I can afford it. Did Levinson bore you all to tears with his little forays into personal anecdotes again?”

Lindsay laughs a little and it sounds fake and strained. “He told the one about the dog again.”

I can feel almost sorry for her. She looks so uncomfortable and upset. Melanie’s giving her a searching look and so is everyone else to some degree. Only Brian seems not to notice. And Hunter, who, just like Lindsay, can’t take his eyes off him. I see Ben rub his forehead in a frustrated gesture and can sympathize with him. He must be wondering what it is that Brian does to attract all the men he cares about.

Everybody else is just watching and wondering, but as neither Lindsay nor Brian are giving anything away, things just go back to normal with all of them joining into the conversation, which, after a while, moves on to the Pride parade. I try not to think about Brian missing class because he’s trying to avoid Lindsay. I’m not his father. I shouldn’t worry about these things. And I’m sure as hell not going to mention it to Brian. He would only tell me to mind my own business.

Brian seems completely relaxed, with his arm draped over the back of my chair, his hand idly playing with the hair at the back of my neck. Occasionally he makes some remark that is for my ears only, making his warm breath tickle my skin as he leans in and rubbing the tip of his nose against my cheek or planting a quick kiss there when he withdraws.

His little affectionate gestures don’t go unnoticed either. It’s rare for him to be like this in public, although not completely unprecedented. I’m more used to this when we’re alone at home. He calls it foreplay and it usually leads to sex eventually, but I still maintain that if you cuddle for a couple of hours before sex, it’s still cuddling. In general, I love it when it happens in front of our friends. Just for a little while, it will stop them from wondering why I’m even with Brian. But today, I would enjoy it more if I didn’t feel like he’s using me to make a point. To Lindsay, and possibly to Hunter as well. Michael got the point a long time ago, I think.

“How do you like shacking up together?” Ted asks after a while. He and Melanie are really close, definitely closer than I am to either one of them.

Lindsay blushes and Melanie grins. “It’s great.”

Brian has started a conversation with Michael about some comic book convention Michael wants him to attend and pays no attention whatsoever to the other conversations at the table. Of course, he already knows that Lindsay moved in with Melanie. I told him. But his only reaction at the time was to bemoan the fact that it was Melanie Lindsay moved in with. When I suggested that what happened between him and her had something to do with it, he laughed it off and went out.

Now he feigns disinterest rather convincingly. After all this time, I still have trouble reading him sometimes. It’s no wonder that so many people misjudge him. He doesn’t say anything until Melanie says with a big smile, “We decided to have a baby.”

“That’s wonderful,” Debbie says.

“I hate to break it to you, Mel,” Ted grins. “But even as butch as you are, I’m thinking you still need a man for that.”

That earns him a playful slap against his chest from Melanie. “Hey, never underestimate lesbian power.”

I feel my stomach knot a little in dread, hoping that she won’t put me on the spot. I did make it clear that I wouldn’t be available, right? I said I’d think about it and I have, but not in the sense that she meant. My thoughts have been circling around the idea of ever having a child in general and even that only in the vaguest terms. My answer to having a child with Lindsay is still the same and doesn’t need any further consideration.

“Just think, we could have a little tyke running around here next year,” Emmett says, already tearing up a bit.

“Hardly. It takes nine months, Emmett, and then another year or so for him or her to start walking.” Ben is reasonable as always.

“We want to wait till Lindsay’s graduated anyway.”

While I think that’s an excellent idea, I wonder if Melanie is really as okay with that as she appears to be. She sounded a little desperate when she spoke to me about it.

“Why the fuck would anybody want to bring a baby into this world?” Brian pipes up.

There are admonishing calls of ‘Brian!’ and ‘shut up!’ but he’s unrepentant. “You give a kid two mommies and it’s already disadvantaged. Never mind what being brought up by Melanie will do to it.”

Melanie just smiles at him because for once she has the upper hand. She’s finally managed to pry Lindsay away from his influence and got her to agree to her dearest wish. But Lindsay looks like she’s about to burst into tears and Debbie’s gearing up to give him a piece of her mind. This is shaping up to be one of our discussions that threatens to deteriorate into a serious dispute, when the door opens and Vic steps into the house.

Boy, am I glad to see him.



*******



Justin is stewing. I’m not exactly sure what’s bothering him, but something is. I can always tell. Ever since I told him about Lindsay, he’s been more reserved than usual. A couple of days afterwards he told me that she moved in with Melanie, but he didn’t comment at all. There was no ‘good for them’ or even a ‘what are they thinking’ and my remark, that they would get married next was only met by the reply that I probably expedited proceedings. I didn’t want to start a discussion on that point. The less said about that night the better.

The munchers are a sore point between us, or more precisely Melanie is, just like she’s a sore point between Lindsay and me. I think Lindsay could do better and for some unfathomable reason Justin thinks that Melanie could. How he worked that one out is beyond me. Linz is funny and gentle and generous, while Melanie is sarcastic and arrogant and tough. I don’t understand what he likes about her. I can see how she’s different with him than she’s with me, hell, she’s different with just about anybody. And I can’t help wondering what his attitude is when they’re alone. Does he defend me? Or agree with her?

I haven’t seen Lindsay for more than two weeks when we get issued with an attendance order for one of Debbie’s dinners. Normally, the implication that it’s mandatory alone makes me stay away, but this time it’s for Vic. I haven’t seen Vic in a year. The last couple of times he had to postpone his visit at the last minute because he had to work. Even Michael and Debbie haven’t seen him since last year.

I know Lindsay will be there and it will give me an opportunity to check out what’s going on with her. If she treats me like she always does, we can pick up where we left off before our alcohol and drugs fueled moment of madness. I still can’t believe I did that. I must have been really out of it because I can barely remember even glimpses of it. Not that I particularly want to remember it. I’m definitely never doing that again, not with her or any other woman. Once is more than enough.

But it would be nice if we could stay friends. Can women really do that? Fuck someone and then go back to the way things were? Guys do it all the time. Well, not really. There’s a reason you shouldn’t fuck your friends but with semi-strangers it works. Do lesbians have people they fuck and then share pizza with the next time they meet? Or is there always high drama involved? I really wouldn’t know.

I’m happy enough to stay at the loft for now. Justin is quiet, but otherwise there have been no repercussions. For a while I was wondering if he would throw me out like he threatened when I was going to fuck Michael – and what a hare-brained idea that was, too – but he hasn’t said anything further on the subject of Lindsay.

So Justin and I are just coasting along. It’s always fun to stay with him, but it makes me nervous that he doesn’t let on what’s bugging him. Usually it comes out after a while. He has a problem, he thinks it over and then he tells me what conclusion he’s come to. Maybe he hasn’t gotten that far yet. I don’t want to ask him outright. I’m always really careful not to do that because it would set a dangerous precedent. It might make him think that it’s okay to ask me about my thoughts, too. I’d like to keep those to myself, thank you very much.

He looks really tired at the moment. On top of working three days, he also attends PIFA twice a week and always seems to have projects on. Not that he’s ever unavailable for me. We fuck pretty much on demand. I can’t remember the last time he said no to me or I to him. If anything, we fuck more than ever because I can’t seem to get enough just now. I can’t get close enough. He is so… distant. I hate it, but I don’t know what to do about it.

Only, I don’t think he’s even aware of it. It’s not like we had an argument and he’s sulking. Or like he has a problem and is absent-minded. Everything is as it should be. And yet… he has gone to that place again where he shuts me out. I’m just not sure if he knows it.

He seems surprised when I tell him that I'll go to Debbie’s dinner. It’s not that I never go there anymore. But Michael lives with Ben now, so I have no occasion to be around Debbie’s so much and it’s not as if she’s very fond of me anyway. Boy, can that woman hold a grudge! I always suspected that she'd rather see the back of me, but nowadays she makes it pretty obvious that she would shut me out if she could. Luckily there’s always Ben, whom she actually hates more than me. But yeah, I come a close second.

Ben and Michael have been shacking up for two years now. Eventually, Debbie’s nagging became so much that even Michael snapped and packed his bags. Good for him! He needed that. Of course, his disagreement with his mother lasted no more than a week, but to his credit, he never moved back in. Naturally, that’s my fault, too. All I said was, ‘About time, too.’ and she made it sound as if I was the sole instigator of her baby’s little rebellion. How come she never blames Michael for his choices? It’s always other people’s fault.

It’s not as if she mistreats me in any way. She doesn’t call me an asshole every time I walk in the door – although I’m pretty convinced she often does it in her head – but whenever there’s a problem or a discussion, she’s always quick to point out all my bad points. On the other hand, that’s still better than the silent treatment she gives Ben most of the time. Like I said, she really knows how to hold a grudge.

Like today. Ben and Michael brought ‘the kid’. I‘ve heard of him, of course, plenty of stories. Michael isn't exactly ecstatic that he moved into their place and I don’t blame him. Who would want to live with a complete stranger just because Ben feels they are ‘related by blood’? I didn’t know that being positive gave people a special bond. In fact, I would very much dispute that from what I’ve seen around Liberty Avenue. Being sick doesn’t actually make you a better person, nor does it engender much sympathy among other people.

So this Hunter takes a shine to me from the moment he lays eyes on me. Well, that’s not such an unusual occurrence either. I get hit on all the time, although not always as crudely as he does it. But then, he’s a hustler and from what I hear, he hasn’t given that up yet, so what can you expect? He would probably expect payment if I took him up on his offer. Like I would ever pay for it!

So I do the right thing and decline – not even tempting – and Debbie makes it sound as if it’s all my fault. Hey, he came on to me. I’m the innocent bystander here. And I can see this whole attitude of his becoming tedious very quickly. I wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot pole. He’s fifteen, he’s a hustler, he lives with Ben and Michael and he’s positive. You could take any three of those out of the equation and he'd still have too many strikes against him, even if I was attracted to him.

Justin doesn’t say anything but then again, he wouldn’t. He never comments on other guys. The most he ever does is what he’s doing now: walking away. Usually, when I get hit on when we’re out together and he thinks I might take the guy up on it, he just leaves quietly. But I very rarely fuck other guys when he’s around anyway. Why would I? When I’m with Justin, I’m there because I want to be with him. I can fuck other guys any time I want.

He can’t think that I would really consider fucking the kid, so he must be upset about something else. I’ve been getting the impression for a while now that Justin doesn’t like family dinners any more than I do. He watches Michael and Hunter scramble for the seat next to me but doesn’t seem very amused by it. Nor does he look very happy to see the munchers.

I put my arm at the back of his chair and start playing with his hair. He likes that and I can feel him relax a little. Why is he nervous? It’s not as if Lindsay has a problem with him or anybody will blame him. The conversation starts a little awkwardly but soon everybody is just chatting and Lindsay seems to have forgotten what happened. Good. Because I have.

I try to coax Justin out of his mood a little and he molds himself against my arm, smiling at my whispered side jokes. The others watch us as if we’ve never done this before. What, they think that all we do is fuck? But I don’t really care what they think. I want to know what’s going on with Justin. Let them think what they like.

Michael wants me to come to the comic book convention with him next week. Why the hell does he want me to go? I haven’t shown an interest in comics since I left high school. He should take Ben. Ben’s always going on about homoerotic influences in comics or some shit. He could probably get the entrance fees reimbursed as research expenses as well.

And then Melanie says that she and Lindsay are planning on having a baby. When did that happen? Last I heard was that Lindsay wasn’t too sure about it. I think it’s a ludicrous idea. Lindsay is way too young to have a child. And having two lesbians as parents isn’t going to do the poor kid any favors in life. Never mind that I can’t understand why anybody would even consider bringing a child into this fucked-up world in the first place. So I say as much, and get the expected reaction.

And then Vic walks in.

I only catch a few glimpses of him before Debbie is by the door and has him in a bone-crushing hug. But it’s enough. He looks like a ghost, deadly pale with dark circles under his eyes and incredibly skinny. I look at Justin, who looks a little shocked as well and then at Ben, who’s staring a Vic before looking down at the table. Yeah, I know what he’s thinking – because I’m thinking the same thing.

“I told you not to make a fuss, Sis,” Vic says to Debbie, but there’s no heat behind his words.

“It’s just a little party,” she says happily and lets him go, taking a good look at him for the first time. “What the fuck’s wrong with you? You look like death warmed over.”

“I don’t feel so good today.”

Yeah, and any other day for the last few months by the looks of it. Michael has got up by now and is there to greet him. “Hey, Uncle Vic. Where’s your bag?” He goes outside and comes back in with two large suitcases and then goes outside again for another one. Looks like Vic will be staying a while.

“Where’s Rocco?” Debbie asks, looking behind her brother.

“He just dropped me off. He had somewhere to go.”

“Uh-huh,” she says, not believing a word of it.

It’s almost eerie how nobody else has got up for a greeting. Everybody’s just watching, not quite knowing what to say. One of Justin’s hands has dropped to my thigh and is squeezing my leg a little, but I don’t think he’s even aware of it. Fuck this.

“Hey Vic,” I call out. “About time you turn up. I’m starving.”

Vic looks up and grins at me. For a moment, he looks like he always did, all sparkling eyes and smirking grin. He and I always got on well. When I was fifteen he was the hottest guy I knew. But then he comes forward and takes a seat and from close up he looks even worse than he did from across the room. “Well, let’s eat then.”

Debbie bursts into a bustle of activity. Her food is as good as ever. Eating at her house always reminds me of the many times I had dinner here when I was still living with my parents. She always made me feel welcome, even though she was always lecturing me at the same time. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I usually avoid family dinners. It just isn’t the same anymore. Not that I miss the lectures much.

“So what’s wrong with you?” Debbie asks, while we’re all helping ourselves to food.

“Just a stomach bug,” Vic mumbles, dishing himself a dinner that we all know he won’t eat. It’s always best to pile some food on your plate at Debbie’s.

“How very reassuring, with you being a chef and all,” I grin and everybody laughs, albeit a little tensely.

Vic shoots me a grateful look and starts answering questions about what he’s been up to for the last year or so. Vic can really tell a story. I’ve been hanging on his lips since I first met him. Well, he lives in New York, for fuck’s sake. I don’t want to miss the smallest detail. But today he falls silent very quickly and he looks so tired that Emmett takes pity on him and regales us with his little adventures during this afternoon. I swear nobody has as many funny mishaps in a month as that guy has in a day.

Vic excuses himself before dessert and goes upstairs to lie down. Ben quickly gets up to take his suitcases up for him and doesn’t come back down for half an hour. The rest of us try to make conversation, but it’s sketchy at best.

“What did he say?” Debbie asks, when Ben comes back downstairs.

“Not a lot. I did most of the talking.”

“Yeah, you would,” she grouses. “What about?”

“This and that.”

“Uh-huh.” Debbie never interrogates Ben like she does with the rest of us. In general, she talks to him as little as possible, which after two years is wearing very thin indeed.

“I wanna go to Woody’s,” Emmett announces and it’s not even funny how eagerly everybody agrees to that. Almost all of us rise as one from the table.

Michael decides to stay around his mother’s house. No great surprise there. Hunter sidles up to me and tells me that I can buy him a few drinks and then I could get lucky, which makes me laugh. His pick-up lines are really terrible, but I suppose the guys he usually deals with don’t care. Not to mention that legally I can barely buy my own drinks.

“You’re not going to Liberty Avenue,” Ben says. “You’re coming home with me.”

To my great surprise, Hunter doesn’t make much of a fuss. He seems to have accepted Ben as a parent figure, which Ben kind of is to most people anyway.

We all end up sitting around a table in Woody’s. Even the munchers came along because Lindsay insisted. Woody’s is pretty empty with most of the Pride celebration taking place outside in the street, but none of us feels up to much celebrating at the moment.

“So are you all thinking what I’m thinking?” Emmett finally addresses the elephant in the room.

“He might just have a stomach bug, like he says,” Lindsay pipes up. “He didn’t eat much.”

“Yeah, the question is what kind of a stomach bug?” Ted says ominously.

“Well, if he’s sick, he only has himself to blame,” I can’t help saying. “That’s what condoms are for.” I don’t want to talk about this, so I get up and nearly bump into a guy who has come up to our table. He looks vaguely familiar, but he’s way too old to be a trick and he doesn’t pay much attention to me. Not that I have any interest in him either, but he’s kind of in my way right now.

“Oh, hi, Paul,” Emmett says in his cheery voice. He really is friendly with every single person on Liberty Avenue. And don’t tell me he’s into fucking fossils now.

I’m just about to wind my way around this Paul to go to the bar when something stops me. There’s an ominous pause where there should be a reply and when I look back at Emmett, all the color has drained from his face.

“Godiva?” he asks quietly.

Paul just nods.

“When?”

“This afternoon.”

Emmett nods a few times and then gets up and follows Paul without a word. I remember why he looks familiar now. He works at the local hospice. Emmett introduced us once for whatever reason he cooked up in that scrambled brain of his. He’s big on what he calls southern gentility.

Great, just fucking great, that’s all we need this evening. I make my way over to the bar to have a drink and a smoke. I'm angry. I don’t know who with or what I’m angry about but there it is. I can’t stop my mind from seeing Vic, so frail and ill. Of course, we’re all thinking the same thing. We all saw Ben when his pancreas almost shut down a year ago. He was on death’s door until the new meds kicked in.

I can’t believe that Vic could have been that stupid. He always lectured Michael and me on safe sex when we were younger. He couldn’t have been that stupid, surely. I won’t believe it. Maybe Lindsay’s right. Maybe it’s just a stomach bug. It has to be. But it doesn't help that Godiva died today of all days. Not that I knew her at all. We had maybe a passing acquaintance at most. But it still feels like a bad omen.

Justin sits down next to me and orders both of us a shot. “We don’t know anything yet,” he says, but I know he doesn’t really believe that.

“Some Pride we’re having,” I mutter, downing my drink.

“It’s not too late to celebrate,” he says, nodding towards a couple of guys who are cruising either me or him or both of us from one of the tables. “Go find a stud. Ask him to dance.”

He kisses my bare shoulder and makes his way back to the others but only to say goodbye by the looks of it, because he doesn’t sit back down. Then he gives me a little wave and leaves. I watch Ted making his way to the men’s room and getting accosted by Troy. Looks like Theodore is going to become this year’s pity fuck. Good for him. I wonder if he knows that Troy does this every year. He looks like he can’t believe his luck.

I look back at the two guys who are cruising me, but they’re really not what I want. I want something else tonight. Actually, I need something else. Outside, the street is really filling up now and I have to push my way through the crowds. Justin's not very far ahead of me and when I catch up to him, I put my hand on his shoulder. He looks surprised.

“Hey, stud, you wanna dance?”

He frowns and then smiles a little uncertainly, not quite sure what’s going on. But he lets me pull him into the middle of the street and molds himself against me. It’s not really dancing because the music is for shit and people are squashing us worse than they do at Babylon on a Saturday night. But there’s full body contact and kissing and it’s just what I need right now.





PART FOUR here: http://kachelofen.livejournal.com/22627.html