THE SIGN, PART 3 / 8

[kachelofen]

THE SIGN


PART THREE

Brian is a no-show for two and a half days. By that time, Justin is heartily sick of his mother clucking around him. Other than slight nausea from having to take oral antibiotics and a headache that seems to be numbed rather than suppressed by the industrial-strength painkillers he’s taking, he feels fine. Of course, he sleeps mostly, each time looking for Brian when he wakes up.

Justin knew this would happen, knew that Brian would disappear again after he made sure that Justin’s taken care of. He wonders if Brian’s changed his phone number yet. Because that’s bound to happen next. No way will Brian allow Justin to be able to contact him – not that he ever answered any of his calls when Justin did get hold of his number before.

Justin won’t call this time. There’s no way he can put himself through that again. He'll just resign himself to the fact that nothing’s changed, that seeing Brian again was just an unexpected brief interlude due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control and that Brian’s feelings and attitude haven’t changed. Justin must have been mistaken when he thought Brian was jealous of Owen. And he won’t torture himself again with wondering why – what he did or didn’t do that made Brian stop loving him.

Thomas hasn’t visited after the first time. He’s gone on a sightseeing tour of New York, but Justin knows that Thomas needs to get back to Pittsburgh, which means that his mother should go as well, only, she won’t leave before Justin is released from the hospital.

That day finally arrives on Friday and it's none too soon. Molly has already called five times to complain that she wants to ‘escape from the madhouse’ that is Craig’s home nowadays. Justin can’t help feeling smug that not only is Craig being driven to distraction by a colicky baby, but also that Molly has finally lost any leverage over their mother because the one thing everyone knows Molly will never do now is move in with Craig.

Justin knows that his mother wants to go home and rescue her daughter from the clutches of her evil ex and he himself wants to go home to escape from his mother. She’s folding his clothes into the duffle bag, obviously as bemused as he is by the sheer amount that Brian saw fit to bring – did he anticipate Justin’s stay to stretch for weeks? – when the object of his musings waltzes into the room.

Brian is flawlessly dressed in Armani, with not a hair out of place that isn’t due to a deliberate mussing. He gives Justin a nod and a long examining look and then turns to greet Jennifer, who’s staring at him like he’s a ghost, which is basically what he has been during the last three years. Then she moves forward and before Brian can escape, she has enveloped him in a hug, which, after an initial hesitation, he accepts graciously by bending down a little and hugging her back.

“Thank you, Brian,” she says simply.

“No problem, Mother Taylor.”

She withdraws and smiles at him. “It’s Calhoun now.”

“Yes, you mentioned it. Congratulations. Where's the poor schmuck?”

“At the hotel, packing our stuff. We really need to get back home. Could you please tell Justin to come home with us? He’s supposed to recuperate for a month and he insists on going back to his apartment.”

Brian turns to Justin and deadpans, “You should go home with them.”

“I am going home,” Justin says and adds a little cruelly, “The apartment is home.” It’s not entirely true. It’s more of a place to stay, but he’s pissed off at Brian for disappearing and re-appearing at will and because he’s presenting a united front with his mother as if Justin were a child.

“No, really, you should go with your mother,” Brian says again and Justin is struck by something in his voice that sounds out of place. Brian really wants this, but, of course, it might just be that he will then be absolved from all the responsibility, which he has somehow assumed for whatever reason.

“No, thanks.”

Brian takes a seat and crosses his long legs slowly, wiping imaginary lint from his trousers. He puts his tongue in his cheek and it’s so heart-breakingly familiar that Justin has to turn away and decides to end this by simply leaving. He has all his papers ready, so all he has to do is pick up his duffle bag and leave. He won't be told what to do by Brian Kinney, of all people.

“You can’t go home,” Brian says finally and he holds Justin’s eyes when they turn back to him with a glare. Before Justin can tell him that he can and he will, Brian adds, “Owen said not to go there for a couple of weeks or so. I think he’s a mysophobe.” It’s delivered in that slightly mocking voice that he uses when he tells someone an unwelcome truth.

“What?!” Jennifer and Justin say at the same time, both of them equally incensed.

“You can’t go home. Owen said not to go there for a couple of weeks or so. I think he’s a mysophobe,” Brian repeats slowly and tonelessly.

“How dare he?” Jennifer exclaims, directing her remark at Brian as if this is his fault.

Brian shrugs. “He owns the apartment, I believe,” he adds in the same deadpan voice he used before.

Justin only half-listens to his mother’s tirade about Owen. He’s not particularly surprised. He has already worked out that Owen didn’t visit him because of his fear of illness. Mysophobe indeed – and only Brian would use that term over the more common germophobe. Justin’s not particularly disappointed in Owen either, only, now he has nowhere to go.

“That settles it then,” his mother says. “You’re coming home with us.”

“No.”

“Sweetheart… where’re you going to go?”

“I’ll find somewhere.”

His mother starts another lecture on the advantages of staying at her new house, but Justin really doesn’t fancy being sulked at by Molly and adored by Felicity, not to mention the couch he'd be sleeping on because the guest room isn't furnished yet. In his head, he runs through a list of his friends in New York, but they’re more like acquaintances, and he’s not close enough to anyone that he could possibly impose a visit on them for a couple of weeks. In the meantime, he stubbornly shakes his head at any and all of Jennifer’s suggestions.

Finally, the matter is settled when Brian gets up and takes Justin’s duffle bag. “You can come with me for now,” he says. “Say goodbye to your mother.”

Both of them stare at Brian as he makes his way to the door. Justin feels a wave of warmth flood his body when he remembers a similar situation, where a few simple words from Brian provided him with an unexpected shelter from his mother and, more importantly, his father. At the very least, this will get his mother off his back for now, because Justin’s simply too tired to argue the point with her any further. He can always go his own way if he doesn’t like where Brian’s taking him.

So, after the briefest of hesitations, Justin kisses his mother’s cheek, tells her that he’ll call her and hurries after Brian, who has left with a simple raise of his hand as a goodbye to Jennifer. Justin hopes that they'll be at least in the elevator, if not outside the hospital, by the time she's recovered enough from her surprise to object.

It becomes apparent very quickly that Justin has overestimated his strength. He’s tired when he’s standing next to Brian in the elevator, exhausted by the time they reach the hotel after a short cab ride and he all but passes out on the large bed when they get into the room.



Brian looks at Justin, who’s lying slightly crooked on the bed, for a long time. He's checked up on Justin’s condition over the last few days, even though it meant that he had to go to the hospital and hunt down Dr Anderson because the bastard wouldn’t give him any information over the phone. He’s been warned that the patient would tire very quickly, so he’s not worried. Finally, Brian moves forward and removes Justin’s shoes and socks and his pants, before pulling on the duvet until he's manipulated Justin into a position under it. Then he leaves the hotel room.

When he returns half an hour later, Justin has somehow buried himself under the covers in his very own and very familiar cocoon but is still fast asleep. Brian sets down the bag with Justin’s medication, which he got from the nearby pharmacy, and walks out onto the balcony to have a smoke.

He looks over the cityscape of the place that embodied all his dreams when he was younger and nowadays doesn’t hold any attraction for him any longer. Theodore keeps hinting heavily that now is the time to expand, even pressures Brian at times, in that soft approach that’s always just one step removed from retracting his statements in a heartbeat. Brian thinks it would mean five to eight years of commitment and hard work, which he feels incapable of supplying.

After a minute or so, he turns around and, leaning against the balcony railing, he watches the man in his room. Nobody has slept in his bed since the last time Justin did. He’s very careful about that nowadays, mainly because it irritates him when other people sleep while he doesn’t. With Justin he doesn’t mind. Brian has always enjoyed watching Justin sleep, from the very beginning and it often surprises him when he considers how blind he was to the small – and not so small – hints that this boy, as he was in those days, was different.

He knows that going to the hospital when Jennifer called was a mistake, albeit not one he could have avoided. As soon as he answered the phone, it was already too late. But he thinks that maybe, just maybe, this is the sign he’s been waiting for.

Brian lost his belief in God when he realized that he’s gay. At first, it was rebellion – if he was going to hell anyway, he might as well sin on a grand scale. He dared God to strike him down for it. When that didn’t happen, it was only a small step to realizing that there never was a God in the first place.

But he has come to the belief that some things, if not all, happen for a reason and that you can’t escape your fate or what-the-fuck-ever you want to call it. You can make your own luck with determination and perseverance, but some things are meant to happen and in the end, you always have to pay for all your mistakes and all your misdeeds. You get what you deserve. He believes this because if it isn’t true, then the sheer randomness of life would blow his mind.

At ten o’clock, Brian wakes Justin up to feed him a snack and his medicine. He hands him the remote control for the TV and busies himself with his laptop, despite feeling Justin’s eyes on him. When he becomes aware of a soft snoring, he covers Justin up again and switches the TV back off. After he’s shut down the computer, Brian switches off all the lights and sits in the armchair by the open balcony door, smoking, and allowing himself an indulgence for once. There can’t really be any harm in watching Justin sleep, as long as Justin doesn’t find out. In the early hours of the morning, Brian takes off all his clothes and joins the other man in the bed, ensuring that there’s ample space between their bodies.



*



Brian awakes with a slight start, which is normal for him nowadays. He keeps his eyes closed for a while, trying to will his body back to sleep like he always does, even knowing that it’s pointless. It never works. When he finally opens his eyes, he’s looking straight into Justin’s, over the expanse of the bed that seems much wider than it ever was, even in their earliest days. Then, he often woke up to find Justin staring at him with longing, yet not daring to bridge the gap for fear of getting rejected. If the boy had only known how many times Brian wished even in those days that he would, so Brian could have him close without appearing to initialize it.

They look at each other until Brian averts his eyes to check the clock. As he thought, he has only been asleep for three hours. It's just starting to get light.

“Why am I here?” Justin asks quietly.

Brian looks back at him. “Because you have nowhere else to go.”

“You’re full of shit, you know that?”

Brian shrugs, unconcerned. When he was younger he always pretended that he didn’t care about what other people thought of him, but that was just part of his carefully crafted image. Now it's actually true. For the most part anyway. He's learned to ignore any and all accusations.

“Do you want to fuck me?” For the first time ever, that sentence comes out of Justin’s mouth without the slightest hint of seduction in his voice or in his eyes. He’s simply asking for clarification.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” Brian asks in the same vein. Not that he would, under the circumstances, but he no longer knows the answer, which is a strange position to be in for him, especially with Justin.



Justin looks at him for a long time, considering the question carefully. He does want Brian to fuck him, he always did and probably always will, but not like this and he’s a little angry with himself for even wanting it.

“Since you don’t answer my questions, I won’t answer yours either.”

Brian nods. “Suit yourself.” He swings his legs out of the bed and walks naked into the bathroom.

Justin follows him with his eyes until he disappears into the shower, leaving the bathroom door open. He thinks that Brian is the only person he’s ever met who does that. When Justin started staying over at the loft in the very beginning, this was the hardest part to get used to. His suburban upbringing rebelled against this one point with all its might. Brian told him that it was stupid to close the door to take a piss when you considered what they did with each other. Now Justin judges everyone by how much modesty he requires from them. A bit like the toothbrush test – you know you love someone if you would happily lend them your toothbrush. Daphne read that in some women’s magazine once. So far, Justin hasn’t come across anyone he would comfortably allow an open bathroom door or the use of his toothbrush. Only Brian.

All in all, they've only spent about six waking hours together so far and already Brian has his usual effect of him: confusion and hurt. Brian is doing the familiar ambiguous routine, acting like he cares but telling Justin that he doesn’t and Justin doesn’t think he’s strong enough for Brian any longer. He’s not strong enough to fight for him again, or rather to fight Brian himself, and he’s not strong enough to let him go. Either way, this latest encounter might just break him.

Just before Justin drops off to sleep again, he wonders why Brian’s taking a shower at five o’clock in the morning.




*




At eight Brian wakes him with breakfast and more medication. Justin remembers a time when he would have thought it cute that Brian gives him breakfast in bed, even if it's been supplied by room service. He feels a little more awake now, so he sits up in bed afterwards and watches Brian on his laptop. Sometimes he wishes that Brian would age and turn ugly, have plenty of wrinkles and receding hair or maybe get fat. But Justin knows that it’s never going to happen. Brian will be just as beautiful at seventy as he is now or as he was when they met. And even if he did turn ugly, it wouldn't change Justin’s feelings for him.

He knows that now, knows that no matter what happens, no matter what Brian does and no matter how much time passes, he will always love Brian. He wouldn’t mind it so much if it didn’t mean that he’ll be alone for the rest of his life. It’s not as if he hasn’t tried. There have been tricks and boyfriends, drugs and alcohol, meditation and exercise. Nothing works.

“How long are you in town for?”

“About a week.” Brian doesn’t look up from his work.

“Where do you live nowadays?”

Now Brian turns around and gives him a look that says ‘nice try’.

“I don’t mean your address. It would be enough if you told me which fucking city you live in.” Justin meant it to come out angrily, but it sounds rather despondent to his ears.

Brian’s expression grows a little softer before he trains his eyes back on his work. “I don’t live anywhere.”

“That’s funny. You don’t look like a vagrant to me.”

“I prefer ‘itinerant’.”

Justin scoffs at that and gives up. If Brian doesn’t want to tell him, then he won’t tell him. Nobody tells him anything. He's tried so many times to worm information about Brian out of the rest of the family in Pittsburgh, that he’s no longer sure whether they’re actually withholding information from him or simply don’t know themselves. He tried Ted as well, but Ted always says that he can’t say anything for fear of losing his job. There have been occasions when Ted has simply hung up on Justin or left the premises when he got cornered.

Justin goes to have a shower, leaving the door wide open on purpose, hoping that Brian will find it just as distracting as Justin did this morning. He’s probably wasting his time because Brian just doesn’t care enough. When Justin comes back out of the bathroom, the sheets have been changed and he crawls back into bed exhausted enough to drop back off to sleep almost immediately.



And so begins an endless round of sleeping and eating and swallowing pills according to Brian’s schedule. Sometimes Justin wakes up to find himself alone in the room and sometimes Brian’s in bed with him, always on the far side of it, with no hint of wanting to come any closer despite being naked.

Justin’s waking periods are getting longer and he passes them with watching TV – loudly when Brian is trying to work and on almost mute when Brian’s not there because Justin’s not taking anything in anyway. His passive-aggressive behavior only serves to make him dislike himself, knowing that he’s just angling for a reaction that doesn’t come. He looks half-heartedly through the magazines and books that Brian supplies, without reading a single word. It’s like he’s back to the way he was when he was seventeen and Brian was all he could think about. The man has soaked into every pore of his being again.

Justin knows he has to get out of here. As the days go on, he and Brian start talking a little. It’s inevitable but awkward and oddly impersonal, mainly about current events and TV shows and a bit about Justin’s studies and work. Whenever they touch on anything personal, Brian clamps down in his inimitable style, turning snarky and sarcastic. It suits Justin just fine. At least this way he can't delude himself that they're getting closer. Hope has always been his biggest enemy. It’s obvious that Brian is just performing a duty that he's set himself, like he'd do for any of his friends – if he still has any.



Brian goes out every day to meetings, but the rest of the time he spends in his hotel room. He doesn’t have an office space in New York and this is what he does, working from his suite, on the computer and the phone, or videoconferencing.

Justin’s presence doesn’t alter his work schedule in any way. Brian has no qualms talking about confidential issues whether Justin is awake or appears to be sleeping. Most of the time, Justin doesn't seem to be paying attention anyway, even during his waking moments, which are getting more frequent. Nevertheless, Brian feels watched in that subtle way that he remembers from the time when Justin was unsure of his place in Brian’s life – if there ever was such a time.

At night, Brian finds himself on dangerous ground without quite understanding how it happened. It started on the second night, when he thought that maybe he could indulge himself for ten minutes before he’d drop off to what little sleep he gets nowadays. He carefully moved as close to Justin as he could without touching him, so he could feel his warmth and smell his familiar scent. Then he moved back to his side of the bed and slept.

But Brian finds himself going to bed earlier and earlier, so that ten minutes stretch to more than an hour after only four days. It gets harder and harder not to touch as well. He wonders if Justin’s question about fucking him was in reality an offer and as much as he tries to shut down that thought, his mind and his body have other ideas. On two occasions Brian has to go into the bathroom to jerk off, as he does every morning and every night in the shower.

During the day he’s reluctant to leave, telling himself that it’s because Justin is still weak and requires care. Jennifer would have his remaining ball if Brian let something happen to her precious boy on his watch. When he returns, it’s just like it used to be at the loft, complete with his efforts to suppress the feelings of comfort Justin’s presence evokes. Only, his proven and tested method of fighting those feelings with a fuck is no longer available to him.

Brian knows he has to get out of here before he caves and tries to seduce Justin. When Justin is asleep in the evenings and Brian’s sitting by the open balcony door, smoking, he ponders if he would attempt it if he was sure of success. But Justin’s just about the only person who would have the strength to reject him if that’s what he decides he should do. Of course, if Justin doesn’t reject him, Brian will have destroyed everything he's achieved over the last three years.

“I have my last meeting tomorrow, so I’ll be leaving on Saturday,” Brian says on Thursday when they're having dinner. Justin's been getting dressed for the last two days although he still sleeps in the afternoons.

Justin’s head comes up sharply to look at him.

“You can stay for as long as you like. The room’s paid for. Just let Ted know when you find somewhere to stay. Take your time,” Brian adds.

“Don’t worry. If you go, I’ll go.”

Brian looks at him, not liking where this is going. “What do you mean?”

“If you have to leave, I’ll go home,” Justin says, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“As in: your apartment?”

“Where else?”

“You can’t!”

“Why not?”

Because Brian thought that Justin being here meant that he realized that he can’t go on living there. Because Justin can’t live with that guy, who tricks right in front of him, who forbids him to come home because he’s worried about catching something, who hasn’t even bothered to call him as far as Brian can tell, and who doesn’t deserve him – period.

“You can’t live with that guy. You’re selling yourself short.”

Justin seems amused for the first time. “Really?”

“You can do better.”

“Possibly. But better’s always such hard work. Owen’s easy.”

Brian looks at him and wonders if Justin really means that. This is not the Justin he knows. The Justin he knows would never settle for ‘easy’. Hell, he has prodded and prodded until Brian offered him exactly what he thought Justin wanted, a house, marriage…

Brian jumps up and walks onto the balcony to have a smoke, trying not to think about the past. He has a flight to Denver booked for Saturday afternoon and a shitload of work to do over the weekend for his meeting on Monday. Two more days and he‘ll be out of here.

But maybe he already stayed too long anyway. It took him a long time to get over Justin, to not think about him constantly, to not miss him with every fiber of his being, to not be in pain every waking minute, although those first few months are lost in such a haze of agony that he only vaguely remembers them. And now, after just one week, he’s back to square one. Everything hurts again and Justin is still here. Brian can’t imagine what it'll be like when Justin’s gone again. What the fuck was he thinking bringing him here?

And with Justin come all the memories that Brian has worked so hard to forget, ready to crush him all over again. He should never have spent all this time with Justin, but somehow he couldn’t resist and now this whole situation has undermined everything he's achieved. But Brian could not leave Justin to his own devices when he knew Justin was in a quandary. The decision was made for him.

Brian can feel Justin’s eyes on him, but he doesn’t come out onto the balcony and he doesn’t say anything. Brian is grateful for that.




*




The next day, Brian has an early meeting. Justin is awake and watches with half-closed eyes, while he’s getting ready. Just one more day and then Justin will go back to his apartment and carry on pretending that his life’s not just an existence when Brian’s not around. Through all the hurt and confusion and awkwardness that being here with Brian has entailed, Justin has felt more alive in this week than he has at any point in the last three years.

He wants Brian so desperately that he has to clench his hands to stop himself from touching him, has to avert his eyes so that he doesn’t stare at him like a love-struck teenager and has to bite the insides of his cheeks not to beg Brian to take him back. Coming here was a terrible idea, but he really had no choice. It’s Brian – how could Justin possibly have said no?

Brian does his usual push and pull, leaving Justin more and more confused because the way Brian looks at him doesn’t tally with what he says or even how he behaves. Justin wonders if he’s just imagining that Brian is struggling just as much with the situation and that maybe Brian has missed Justin as much as Justin has missed him. Sometimes Justin’s almost sure of it and then he scolds himself for succumbing to his wishful thinking. Until Brian’s cellphone goes off on Friday just as Brian’s walking in the door from his meeting.

Usually, Brian keeps his cellphone on vibrate when he’s in the hotel, in case Justin is asleep when it goes off, or so Justin thought. But this time Brian doesn’t get the chance to change the setting and it blares out Nine to Five by Dolly Parton for a minute before Brian can pull it from his pocket and answer it with a barking, “What?”

It seems such a little thing, but Justin can only stare at him and for just a moment he sees panic in Brian’s eyes – and Justin can’t help but smile. By then, Brian has turned his back to him and is powering up his laptop one-handedly, while he’s obviously talking to Cynthia. He ignores Justin and that confirms Justin’s suspicion.

Brian kept his ringtones. Justin would have doubted its significance if Brian hadn’t reacted so obviously guilty, as if he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He kept his ringtones! Justin’s suppressing his smile now and despite all that's happened this week or hasn’t happened, he makes a leap of faith like he so often had to with Brian. He was right. Brian has missed him.

Justin watches Brian’s back as Brian goes through some numbers on his screen with Cynthia and carries on working after the phone call ends, completely ignoring him. Justin makes plans in his head, dismisses them and formulates new ones. In the end, he tries the straight forward route first.

“What time are you leaving tomorrow?” he asks, as they're having dinner at the table in the sitting area.

“Around lunchtime.”

“I’ll leave at the same time. Maybe we can share a cab.”

“You’re not really going back there, are you?”

“Of course, where else would I be going?”

Brian looks at him for a few moments. “You can stay here. Find somewhere better to live. You don’t have to go back there.”

“There’s nothing wrong with where I live. Or who I live with. It suits me just now. There’s only one reason that would make me move out.”

“And what would that be?” Brian is already borderline snarky.

“If you asked me to live with you.” The way Brian is staring at him as if he’s lost his mind already answers the question Justin’s going to ask, but he asks anyway, keeping his voice soft, and relieved that there’s no tremble in it. “Are you asking me, Brian?”

Brian’s answer is predictable and sharp with underlying anger, but it's also delayed by long moments of hesitation, which Brian may hope to be able to pass off as speechless incredulity but Justin prefers to think of as indecision.

“Of course not. Why would I?”

Justin has always been able to read Brian better than anybody else and he’s just finding his footing again. Of course, it would have been too easy if Brian would have capitulated on Justin’s first charge up Mount Kinney, so Justin just nods and carries on with his food.

He needs to find a way to spend more time with Brian and then everything may yet fall into place, he's convinced of it. Of course, spending time with Brian is not so easy when you don’t know where he lives or anything else about his daily life. Maybe Cynthia has reached a point where she’ll be willing to help him. She did give his mother Brian’s number after all.

Justin thinks about seduction, but with the way things are, Brian is just as likely to walk out the door as he is to fall into his arms. If Brian resists, it would mean a major setback and Justin isn't sure if his ego could take it yet. After all, he’s only just regaining a little confidence where Brian's concerned.

When he goes to bed that night, he’s still no further than he was earlier in the day or last week – or last year really. As much as he has renewed hope now that Brian still has feelings for him, reinforced by an unusual awkwardness on Brian’s part during the rest of the evening, he’s starting to fear that by this time tomorrow, he'll be where he was for the last three years, lying in his lonely bed with no idea where Brian might be.

The worry keeps Justin awake for longer than usual, but Brian makes no move to join him for most of the night and by the time that he does, Justin is fast asleep.





PART FOUR: http://kachelofen.livejournal.com/20444.html#cutid1