I COME BEARING GIFTS... WELL, JUST THE ONE, REALLY

[kachelofen]

HI EVERYONE!

I have been here for just over six months now and I can honestly say that I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Everybody has been so friendly and welcoming. So I made a present as a thank you to all my lovely friends here. I hope that you don’t mind that it’s handmade.

But first of all, I would like to say a big, big thank you to chloris01and ls1966  for the Christmas v-gifts on my profile page and to rainbow1907,  bksbracelet  and  7wildwaysup  for the lovely Christmas cards, and, of course, to  pam81,  britinkinlor,  yvonnereidand rulisteningbj  for sending both.
You guys make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

Credit for the lovely icon goes to the very talented  pfodge.

Finally, I would like to wish everyone on my f-list very HAPPY HOLIDAYS, whatever you’re celebrating or even if you don’t celebrate at all. Don’t get stressed out and just enjoy yourselves. I will be without internet access for a couple of weeks now, but I will see you all in the New Year.

Hugs, Betty ♥











A/N: So, I was going to write a little something for Christmas for you all. What I ended up with is neither little (around 8K), nor particularly Merry or Christmassy. But it is my first one-shot. Yay, me!

This fic is set in the FMFY and ASTF universe (sorry, JoAnne), sometime in the future and it will only be posted on my journal because I wrote it specially for you guys. Many thanks for reading my stuff and for commenting so generously. I hope you enjoy your present.





CHRISTMAS DITTY


I never liked Christmas.

As a child, I would always get caught up in the Christmas spirit, only to be disappointed with the actual event. My mother was especially zealous at this time of year, spending most of her time either in preparation for charity events or in church, praying. For the longest time, I couldn’t work out why the baby Jesus warranted more attention than her own children – after all, he had been dead for quite a while. But I only mentioned it once and got a twenty-minute long lecture on how blasphemous that idea was, followed by extra lessons from the reverend for the next four weeks in Sunday school.

We always spent Christmas with the family, which meant hours of traveling by car with an increasingly frustrated father and a whiny sister and, you could say, a whiny me, too. You try being stuck in the car in traffic with my family! That would be followed by elderly relatives showering Claire and me with unwanted hugs and kisses, only to forget we ever existed for the next two days. Then I had to contend with cousins I barely knew, who seemed to sense that I was different and spent the rest of the visit either annoying or ignoring me. If we were lucky, we got Christmas dinner out of the way before the free-flowing alcohol would invariably lead to a bust-up, either of the verbal or the physical kind. And then my father would want to go home straight away, which would have been fine with me, only he would be too drunk to drive. So we were stuck in a house where we didn’t want to be and no one wanted us.

It got better when I met Michael. I was old enough to be allowed to opt out of the family visits, despite my mother’s objections, and Debbie always invited me to stay with them. Vic would be there too and I adored Vic. He was a good-looking man – he was in his early thirties when we first met – and the only guy I knew who was openly gay. And he lived in New York! I probably would have run away with him if he had offered. But however much Debbie tried to make me feel welcome, I could never shake the feeling that I didn’t belong, that I was somehow intruding on their family time.

So I stopped going as soon as I moved out of my parents’ house and opted for a few days of debauchery instead. I was in advertising by then or at least studying for it and there was nothing like advertising to make you aware of how much of a commercial sham Christmas really was. How much advertisers played on your feelings of either goodwill or guilt to sell you stuff. Really, the cynicism was off the scale.

Then Gus came along and I was all of a sudden supposed to enjoy Christmas. I didn’t. Gone were the days when I could give everyone a check and be done. Now I had to bring presents, because, really, Gus would probably have eaten the check when he was a toddler and drawn crayon pictures on it when he was older. Luckily, Lindsay simply told me what to buy and I did. Only she never let me forget that I ‘couldn’t make the effort to think of something nice for Gus’ myself and in those days Melanie never let me forget that I was only tolerated at her house at any time of the year – barely.

And then there was Justin, who never seemed to expect anything from me, and yet somehow he did. Something in his quiet acceptance of my attitude always made it clear to me that he was disappointed – every fucking year. Which only made me drink, drug and fuck more. Probably because even then I couldn’t help feeling guilty about it. Still, he never said a word and he always perked up pretty quickly after the holidays because there was always New Year – and New Year I could get on board with.

When Justin was in New York, he actually got presents from me, although they were usually in the form of a vacation, the more exotic the better, and just happened to be mentioned on Christmas day. Of course, we couldn’t go away over the actual holidays because Justin wouldn’t miss Christmas with the family for the world. And quite frankly, while I my desire to spend time with Gus was no stronger at that time of year than at any other time, it was also no weaker and I couldn’t bring myself to disappoint him. It might not have been important to me, but it was to him and that, in turn, was good enough for me to make an effort.

Then Naomi came along and everything changed. Now Christmas usually meant that we would not only have a tree and a proper celebration, it also meant the whole family descending on us. Since we had the biggest house and our family seemed to be growing all the time, I couldn’t refute the logic of celebrating at Britin. And as parties go, it was usually good fun. There was very little animosity amongst us nowadays. Michael and Justin got on famously and even Melanie and I had made peace long ago. It was a bit annoying that we couldn’t let loose completely because of the kids, but if I ignored the actual reason for all of them being there, it was pleasant enough to see them all together, as long as most of them went home at night. Plus, Justin always bought all the presents now.

But this year everything would be different. Sure, Lindsay, Melanie and Jenny had already arrived two days ago. All the preparations were done – at least I hoped they were because Justin usually did this and I had no idea what was going on and who was doing what. I had visions of Christmas day without food, although there would be plenty to drink. There was always plenty to drink at Britin. I wasn’t quite sure where the presents were kept either. But none of that mattered because the main question was: would Justin be there?





My cellphone rang as I was getting ready to leave Kinnetik on Christmas Eve. It was just after lunchtime and I was pretty certain that Cynthia and I were the only people left.

My heartbeat stopped for a moment and for those few seconds between the first ring and checking the caller display, I actually had hope. Justin always told me to get different ringtones for different people, but I could never see the point. What difference did it make? I could count on one hand the occasions when I didn’t answer my phone over the last few years, each time because I was in the middle of something or rather someone – a certain someone. If I didn’t want to be disturbed, I would simply switch it off. Otherwise, I would answer it regardless of who was calling me. And anyway, to me, a cellphone was a tool, not a toy.

I knew I shouldn’t be disappointed when my son called me, but I was. A little.

“Hey, Sonnyboy. What’s up?”

“Hey, Dad.”

“Where are you?” I could hear a lot of background noise from what sounded like an airport. And then there was the loudspeaker system announcing some flight. Strange. Gus wasn’t expected until this afternoon.

“I’m at the airport.”

“I can hear that. Are you here already? You want me to pick you up?”

“I’m still in New York. My flight is in a couple of hours.”

“Okay.” I waited. There must be another reason he was calling me from there.

“Dad.” He hesitated. “I saw Justin today.”

Ah, that was unfortunate. I had been hoping I would be able to put my own spin on things and get through the holidays without any major drama. Although if Justin didn’t turn up, that had always been just wishful thinking. And at least, this way I knew for certain where he was.

“I was having lunch with some friends and as we were leaving, they were coming in. I barely had time for a quick hello. And then Jeff dragged me out because he had a flight to catch earlier than mine and we were going to the airport together and he was already late.” He was babbling, which was always a sign of distress with Gus. Somehow, he had picked that up from his other father. “Dad, why is Justin back in New York? I asked him when his flight was and he said he didn’t have one.”

I was still hung up on one small detail in Gus’s little speech. They. He had said they were coming in. So Justin was not alone. Why would he be?

“Gus. Listen to me. Are you listening?”

“Yes.”

“It's very important that you don’t tell anyone. Forget you ever saw him. Not a word to anyone. Okay?”

“But...”

“Gus. This is between Justin and me. Do your old man a favor and don’t tell.”

There was a short pause. “Okay, Dad.”

“Good. Now I’ll pick you up later. 4.35. Right?”

“Right.”

“I see you at the airport.”

“Okay. Bye, Dad.”

“Bye, Sonnyboy.”

I supposed it was lucky that Gus had so much experience with not rocking the boat with his mothers. I could be reasonably sure that he would keep this to himself. Of course, by tomorrow morning, it would not make any difference anyway.

Gus was studying at NYU and he was living in the small apartment that Justin and I had purchased about three years ago. Justin’s career had really taken off and I had more and more clients in New York, so it was reasonable to have a permanent base there. But if Gus hadn’t seen him in the apartment when Justin had already been in New York for two days, the question was, where was he staying? And with whom? Gus had said they.

I went outside to tell Cynthia to go home and leave myself. She was just finishing up and smiled a tentative smile at me. However much I prided myself on always hiding my emotions, there was no fooling Cynthia. We had known each other too long and too well for that and I was pretty sure she wouldn’t put the qualifier ‘regrettably’ in that statement either, like Debbie used to. I certainly wouldn’t.

We made our way to the front entrance, where I locked up and wished her a Merry Christmas. When I turned away as if to go to my car, I saw her still standing there, frowning, so I turned back to her, reached into my coat pocket and handed her small package with a smirk. It was nicely wrapped, too. She laughed.

“I nearly fell for that,” she said. Taking the package, she threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek. She was only allowed to do that twice a year, on her birthday and at Christmas and giving her a present was always her excuse for it. Sometimes I wondered if she enjoyed that more than the actual gift because with her salary she could buy just about anything she wanted.

“Have a nice Christmas, Cynthia.”

“You too, Brian. I hope everything works out for you.”

Normally, I would have made a flippant remark, refuting any hint that there was anything wrong, but two nights of tossing and turning with very little sleep had left me too tired to bother. I just smiled and went to my car. I had gone back to driving a jeep. It was way more practical with living out in the country and having a child.

Half an hour later, I pulled up outside the school just in time to see all the kids streaming out. They were noisy and boisterous as it was the beginning of the Christmas break, although they were no better at any other time either. I watched Naomi talking and laughing with two of her friends before she waved at them and came running over.

“Hey, Dad,” she said as she climbed into the passenger seat, then all the way over to me to give me hug and a kiss on the cheek. At eleven, she looked exactly like her mother, only without the curls, and what was more, she had Daphne’s indomitable spirit.

“Hey, squirt.”

She put her seatbelt on and starting a rapid fire report of everything that happened to her since I last saw her – at breakfast this morning – and still she barely finished by the time we got home. There she turned quiet and, after I took my seatbelt off, I waited.

“Is Daddy home yet?”

I shook my head, pulling in my lips to keep my face neutral.

“Is he coming?”

I took a deep breath. I had never lied to either of my children and I wasn’t going to start now. I couldn’t believe that Justin would not be here for Christmas. He was the one who believed in this crap and valued his family and, most of all, he loved Naomi. He would not stay away from her just because he had a problem with me. I might have done, but he wouldn’t.

“He's still in New York. I believe he will be here. But I can’t promise you that.”

She nodded. “When is Gus coming?”

“I’ll pick him up later. You wanna come?”

“Yay.” She bounced out of the car and into the house.

I followed her slowly, preparing myself for the onslaught of questions and the pitying looks. Naomi was already in the kitchen, talking to Melanie, who was her favorite aunt, and Jenny. Lindsay came to greet me by the door like she had done the last two nights. I was probably paranoid, but it made me feel like a husband coming home to his wife, especially since she insisted on kissing me every time.

“Any idea when Justin will be here?” she asked.

“Not yet.”

“Brian...”

“Leave it, Lindsay.” I gave her a stern look, which seemed to be working for now. “I need to get changed.”

I made my way up the stairs, shouting to Naomi to get out of her school clothes. When I got into my bedroom, I heard her bounding up the stairs into her room. Taking a long shower had probably more to do with trying to waste some time than necessity, but it gave me time to think.

This morning, when I had left for work, I had been hoping that Justin would be here when I got home. Even if he wasn’t talking to me, surely he would come home for everyone else. Gus’s phone call had at least forewarned me, because if Justin was in New York at lunchtime he couldn’t be home by now.

I came out of the shower, seriously considering for the first time that I might have to go through the holidays on my own. It didn’t bother me because it was the holidays. It bothered me because there would be a house full of people and a child to consider. Nobody would be happy without him being here. Least of all I.

In the bedroom, my eyes fell on the box of condoms on the bedside cabinet, still unopened, mocking me for my stupidity. I fucking hated condoms. In a fit of anger, I took the box and threw it across the room. Of course, it was way too light to make any satisfactory noise, it didn’t even hit the wall all that hard, so I walked over there, picked it up and dropped it into the drawer in the bedside table. Try mocking me from there, you fucker! Great, now I was talking to inanimate objects, albeit only in my head.

While I was getting dressed, I gave some serious thought to where Justin might have hidden the presents. I could only pray that he had already finished our Christmas shopping before he left. And wrapped the damned things. And, oh fuck!, labeled them after he wrapped them. Because if he hadn’t done any of that, there would be some very disappointed faces tomorrow. And why the fuck did I buy such a huge house? I couldn’t search the whole place for the fucking presents.

I went downstairs to the kitchen where Melanie had made some sandwiches. Naomi was sitting at the table, eating happily and talking to Jenny, who had grown from the most beautiful girl imaginable into the most beautiful teenager imaginable. Both, Melanie and Lindsay, were frantic with worry about her most of the time. Their house was overrun with high school boys in heat and the worry was only going to increase tenfold next year, when Jenny would start college.

“Hey, Uncle Brian.”

“Hey, Jenny, how's it going?”

“Visited Grandma today,” she said and left it at that. I could never work out if she actually liked Debbie and her, at times, caustic remarks were just teenage rebellion or if she was really as critical of her as she pretended to be. Ah well, who was I to criticize anyone for making fun of other people?

I could be reasonably sure she wasn’t doing any of that behind my back because I was one of the few people who passed muster with her, even though her teenage crush had thankfully passed over a year back. Michael had been most upset about the fact that his daughter was more interested in me than him for about two years. And I had tried my hardest to stay away from her during that time. I was fifty then and, perversely, her adoration had made me more aware of it rather than making me feel younger. Everyone else thought the whole thing was hilarious, especially Justin, who pointed out that she not only took after her father but also after her stepbrother.

But of course all teenagers grew out of their crushes. Hunter had done, as his sister did after him and their father had before them. I had rather hoped that Justin would prove the exception to the rule, but now I was no longer sure.

When it was time, Lindsay said she wanted to come along to the airport to pick up Gus, but I told her that I had to talk to Naomi in the car, alone. It was a blatant lie, but I was sick of her wanting to play happy families with me, which was what she had been doing since she arrived. She and Melanie must have had a tiff again. It would explain why Melanie looked so tired, but then again, she always did. She worked way too hard.

Gus hugged me when he came out of the gate. He was as tall as me and looked like I did when I was his age, except for the eyes, which were soft and happy most of the time. I was incredibly grateful for that. He greeted Naomi with a hug that lifted her off the ground and made her giggle. When she was a baby, and later a toddler, Gus had doted on her, but at some stage their roles had been reversed and now she adored him, while for a few years when he was a teenager, he had been way too cool to pay attention to a sister eleven years his junior. For two siblings who didn’t grow up together and even lived in different countries for the longest time, they were very close. I still marveled sometimes at how different my family was from my birth family. And thank fuck for that!

Gus gave me a long look over Naomi’s shoulder, letting me know that he knew exactly why I had brought her along and that I wouldn’t get away with it. I hadn’t really thought that I would. Just trying to delay the inevitable.

He didn’t have a chance to speak to me until after Naomi had gone to bed. His mothers had insisted on hearing every detail of his life as they hadn’t seen him since the Canadian Thanksgiving. I saw a lot more of him than they did because I was in New York a lot and he found it easier to visit Pittsburgh than Toronto when he felt like seeing family. Also, Gus and I had grown closer over the years. As he got older, I had lost my fear of warping his mind and we had found a more relaxed and later a more equal footing.

I wasn’t at all surprised when he knocked on the door to my home office, where I had withdrawn to after Naomi went upstairs. He closed the door with great care and sat in the chair next to my desk where Justin usually sat when we talked in here.

“What’s going on, Dad?”

Yeah, he really took after me. No mincing his words for him.

“It’s none of your business, Gus.”

“Is Justin going to be here?”

“You saw him last. What do you think?”

“I didn’t see much of him. We just passed each other in the entrance way of the restaurant. He was with this guy and Jeff literally dragged me into the cab before I could say more than two words to Justin. Why was he not staying at the apartment with me? What happened between you two?”

“Gus. You know when were dating Celia?” Celia was the only person Gus had ever dated seriously, as far as I knew, and I was still contemplating putting a hit out on her for breaking his heart. Although he seemed to be quite over it and had been for two years now.

He frowned. “Yes?”

“You know how your mothers always wanted to know every detail of it? And how you told them to stay out of it? What, in the name of fuck, makes you think that you have any more right to know what’s going on between Justin and me?”

He looked at me kind of speculatively. “Okay. Point taken. What are you gonna do now?”

“Fuck, if I know.” I looked at him and told myself that I wasn’t going to ask. I really wasn’t. I wouldn’t lower myself to do that but… ”When you were at the restaurant…” Fuck, I could see his eyes go soft and a sad smile appear on his lips. He was feeling sorry for me! “Never mind. Do you wanna drink?” I got up to pour myself one.

“Mid-twenties. Dark hair. Longish. Good figure. Earring on the right. Kinda hot.”

Smoking hot more like. I knew it! Rory fucking Parker! I was glad that I had my back turned to Gus because I wasn’t sure what was showing on my face right now. “I didn’t ask,” I said as nonchalantly as possible.

“Just asking you who he was,” Gus mumbled, giving me an out. “Do you know him?”

“His agent,” I said and sat back down. “He’s been his agent for just over a year now. I’m surprised you haven’t met him.”

He shrugged. “Justin doesn’t usually conduct his business from the apartment, unlike someone I could mention.” He always hated it when I came to New York and converted his living room into an office, talking on the phone and video-conferencing for hours. It meant that he had to go to his bedroom if he wanted to do anything other than sit silently. But, hey, the apartment belonged to Justin and me, he could always move into the dorms at NYU if he didn’t like it.

“Is it serious, Dad?”

I decided to give him something because he wasn’t asking out of curiosity. I couldn’t deny that Gus was very close to Justin, too, and with his mothers, or rather Lindsay, causing so much upheaval in his life over the years, he had always relied on us being the stable influence. Who would have thought that Justin and I would ever be that?

“Not to me it isn’t.”

“Did you…?” he paused and shook his head, deciding to let it be. Good boy.

“I want him to come home,” I said simply. And, boy, wasn’t that the truth!

“Is he likely to?”

I looked out the window and couldn’t see anything because it was pitch dark. But I could see Gus reflected in the pane, an expression of worry on his face. What a Christmas we both would have. And Naomi.

“I honestly don’t know, Sonnyboy.”

We were silent for a while, then I smiled at him. “Do you wanna help me try and find the presents?”

He laughed. “Dad, I spent Christmas here every year when I was a child. Do you really think I haven’t worked out by now where Justin hides the presents?”

Well, that was one problem solved at least.





When the kids were little, they always woke us up at the ass-crack of dawn on Christmas Day. But over the last few years, we had established a rule that the day wouldn’t start before nine o’clock when the guests would arrive. I got up around eight to have a shower and get dressed and then went downstairs before everyone else. It was the first time in years that I could go at a leisurely pace because usually Justin and I had our own little celebration first to fortify me against the trials and tribulations of the coming day and we would always have to rush in the end.

I switched on the lights on the tree and inspected the room one last time. It had taken Gus and me several trips last night to put all the presents under the tree. Last weekend, Justin had been in New York to sort out some problems with his upcoming show. This had been a planned visit and he had stayed at the apartment with Gus. He must have prepared all the presents before he left for that trip because when he came back on Tuesday, we had a fight because the condoms had to make a reappearance for the fourth time since we started doing it raw and I hadn’t seen him since. His anal retentive need to be prepared for everything stood us in good stead today.

Everybody else was getting up just as the coffee maker finished the first batch. I had already smoked two cigarettes in the backyard and tried not to be disappointed that Justin hadn’t turned up overnight. I was dreading everyone’s reaction, especially Naomi’s. It had snowed in the night, two or three inches at least and it made me melancholic. This would be one hell of a day.

The caterers arrived at ten to nine and set up for breakfast in the dining room. They were in and out of the house in less than fifteen minutes and told me they would be back later with the dinner. Thank you, Justin! On the way out, they ran into Debbie and the rest of her brood. Looked like we were complete until Hunter and his family would turn up later. And Ted and Blake. And Jennifer and Tucker. And Molly and whoever she was dating at the moment. And Emmett and his latest fuck. The advantage of a big house was that there was always enough room, no matter who turned up.

Naomi came downstairs and looked around for a long while before she came over to me and hugged me.

“Merry Christmas, Squirt.”

“Merry Christmas, Dad.”

“Do you want to open the presents?”

“Can we wait a bit longer?” Yeah, that was a sentence that I never thought I would hear out of my daughter’s mouth at Christmas. I knew she wanted to wait to give Justin more time to turn up and I also knew that it would almost certainly not make any difference. If he had wanted to be here, he would have been on time. But I suggested we all have breakfast first.

“Where the fuck is Justin?” Debbie said, as we were all sitting down and I could feel all eyes turning to me.

“He had some last minute things to do in New York,” I said and poured myself some coffee as if it was the most natural thing in the world that Justin would choose some paperwork over spending Christmas with us. I don’t think I fooled anyone for even a second. With Lindsay and Melanie in the house over the last few days, they had probably already discussed the situation ad nauseam with everyone anyway.

“Uh-huh,” was all Debbie said.

With so many people at the table, breakfast was noisy despite the dampener Justin’s absence put on the proceedings. Michael shot me a few worried glances, but I ignored him. I was watching Naomi, who was uncharacteristically quiet. Constant chatter was her default position, especially on days like this, but, unsurprisingly, she didn’t say much. I was angry with Justin all of a sudden for doing this. Not only was he leaving Naomi upset, he also knew that I was ill-equipped to help her through it. I had never been good at these things. Never mind the fact that I was upset myself. Whatever happened between us did not excuse him spoiling our daughter’s day.

After about an hour, we could not drag breakfast out any further and moved into the living room. Everybody ooohed and aaahed over the tree, as they did every year. It did look good, but that was no wonder since it was set up by a professional company every year. Justin just chose the color scheme and they came in and set up the tree and decorated it. Neither one of us had time for things like that and the tree was so fucking big, you needed a ladder and tons of decorations.

Gus did the honors of handing out the presents every year. He had started it when he was twelve and we never saw any reason to change it. Naomi came to sit sideways on my lap and leaned her head against my chest. This was how we were. I did not always know what to say to her and a lot of things concerning her made me vaguely uncomfortable, triggering my worries that I would be a damaging influence in her life. But she had always done this, more than she did with Justin, who was definitely her main caregiver, she was full of hugs and kisses with me and often slept on my chest when she was little. I was okay with that. I could not always give her the emotional support or even the attention she deserved, but this I could do.

There was quiet Christmas music in the background, which I loathed with a passion, and there was lively conversation and shouts for Gus to start already, but I heard the front door anyway. So did Naomi because she sat up with a start. You couldn’t live with someone for years and not recognize the noises they made in their daily lives. I knew it was Justin just from the way he toed off his shoes in the hallway and kicked them over to the wall. Next he would take his coat off and unwind his scarf. Naomi grinned at me happily and I smiled, giving her a small encouraging push.

“Daddy!” she shouted and raced out into the hall. Yeah, next he would hug his daughter.

They came back in together with Justin carrying her in his arms, which he didn’t often do anymore because she was getting too tall and heavy for him, and in any case resented being treated like a child. That obviously wasn’t an issue today. But he had to set her down as everybody seemed to rush him at once to hug and kiss him. I stayed in my seat. Just because he was here didn’t mean that he was ready to talk to me. Justin was avoiding my eyes and I was avoiding everybody else’s. I couldn’t miss the relief on Gus’s face though.

Then everybody settled down again and Justin explained how he had planned to be here much earlier but his car had broken down and with the snowfall overnight, AAA had taken forever to come and fix it. I was only half listening. I was more interested in how long he was planning on staying. He looked tired and drawn, so I could only assume that New York hadn’t got things out of his system. Well, with Rory Parker there, who had been pursuing him from day one, things were more likely to get into his system. And as we were back to condoms, there was nothing stopping him.

I could live with that. If that was all it was. What I could not live with was the idea that he might take this opportunity to leave. Or make me leave. Because Naomi wouldn’t be living with me if we split up, would she? No, she would stay with Justin and I would be back to being a weekend father like I had been with Gus.

Finally, we were turning back to the presents and as Gus started to hand the first one out, Justin came over to where I was sitting and sat on the wide arm of the chair, watching our son carry out this yearly ritual. I couldn’t decide whether I was relieved that he was so close or if it was more like torture. We still hadn’t spoken or even looked at each other.

I wished that we had the house to ourselves, as I still often did even on ordinary days. My desire for Justin hadn’t abated in over twenty years of knowing him. I still wanted to fuck the shit out of him every time I saw him and I still did at every opportunity. If we had slowed down in any way, it was only because there were fewer of those opportunities now, with a child in the house and both of us so busy.

I couldn’t understand why Justin made such a fuss about everything. It was just a fuck. I thought he understood that by now. It had happened before, three times, and each time we got through it. Okay, each time we got through it because Justin was very forgiving and understanding. So why did he have to decide that this time he had to queen out and run off to New York? It would have blown over by now if he hadn’t.

I tentatively moved my arm round his back and put my hand on his thigh. He tensed. Then, after five endless seconds, his hand moved on top of mine and stayed there. I tried not to smile inanely and pretended to myself that no one was watching us.

The day dragged on interminably. There was lots of food and lots of drink and everyone was good-natured. Hunter brought his wife and his two boys, who were three and five and kept Naomi entertained. They left early because of the children. Molly turned up with some sullen guy with piercings and dyed hair and they both barely stayed for dinner. But the rest of them made the most of it. And by the time the Kinnetik car service had picked up the last person who wasn’t staying over, Justin and I had still not said a word to each other.

“Fix it somehow,” Debbie had said as she hugged me on her way out.

Well, I intended to, but somehow it seemed more difficult this time, although why that should be the case was a mystery to me. But then again, I was often nonplussed by Justin and his behavior. We didn’t really have any rules anymore. What was the point of rules when we were barebacking? By definition, it meant no other guys and what else would we need rules for? But sometimes I wished for the old days when we had them because I knew what was what in those days. Nowadays I was often at a loss to work out what had Justin upset and he didn’t always tell me. But, come to think of it, the old rules didn’t help that much either, did they?

Finally, Gus and his mothers decided that it was time for bed. Jenny had left with her dads and Naomi was already asleep. So I locked all the doors and windows and made my way upstairs. Justin was in our bedroom, which was good because there were plenty of other rooms he could have chosen tonight. This must mean that he wanted to stay or at least talk. Or maybe it just meant that he was going to tell me that it was over.

He was standing by the window in the dark, looking out into the night. I switched the bedside lamp on and started taking my shirt off. We hadn’t been this awkward with each other in a long time and I didn’t know what to say or even if I should say something, but then he came over and wrapped his arms around me from behind. I took a few moments to savor the feeling of his body against mine and the sheer relief that he didn’t want this to end.

“I didn’t fuck Rory,” he said.

My overwrought emotions tipped over into anger almost immediately and I drew away from him sharply, whirling round to face him.

“Again.”

“Huh?” He looked a little hurt but mainly confused.

“You didn’t fuck him again. Or have you forgotten that this whole thing started because you handed me a pack of condoms after you somehow thought it would be a good idea to fuck your agent?”

“I made a mistake, Brian. And I’m sorry. You always tell me that it just happens. At least you tell me that when it’s you who made the mistake.”

“Well, your mistakes always involve people you know are in love with you. Like Rory. Or Caspar. Or even Ethan. And I don’t run off with them afterwards.”

“I didn’t run off with Rory. Or even to him. I had to talk to him and you were so freaked out on Tuesday that I thought it would be good for both of us to have some breathing space. And I wasn’t sure if you even wanted me here any longer.”

“So instead of talking to me, you had to talk to Rory? And where did this talk take place? In his bed? Because you sure as hell weren’t at the apartment. And then what? You take him to lunch to talk to him some more?”

“No, Brian, no. I was at a hotel, you know that little one in Chelsea we went to last year when Gus had that party. I spoke to Rory on Wednesday to tell him that I will get a new agent. When we went to lunch, we were just signing the final papers. I told him I don’t want to see him again. None of this ‘let’s stay friends’ crap. I only fucked him the once, Brian. I was flattered. He's so young and beautiful and he was so persistent. I’m sorry.”

“Young and beautiful? So what? You think I don’t get anymore offers nowadays? I do. Plenty of them. It seems you’re the only one who no longer thinks I’m desirable.”

It was true. I still got hit on an extraordinary amount of times. Maybe guys who were Gus’s age didn’t all want to get in my pants all the time anymore, although there were still a fair few of them as well, but there were plenty of guys in their late twenties and thirties who made it quite clear that they wouldn’t be at all opposed to a fuck. It helped that I didn’t look anywhere near my age.

On the other hand, that only meant that Justin, who could still pass for at least ten years younger than he was, had to get even more offers. Because he was beautiful and always would be.

“Brian,” he said solemnly. “You are without a doubt the most beautiful and most desirable man on the planet and I suspect you still will be when you’re seventy-five. This was not about you. This was about me turning forty next year and struggling with that.”

I didn’t say anything and just looked at him. He seemed sincere.

“Sometimes, I don’t even know if you still want me.”

“I always want you, Justin. It’s not going to stop any time soon.” If ever, I added in my head. That had always been the problem, hadn’t it? That I wanted him and couldn’t really do anything about that.

“I could no longer tell. The problem with doing it raw is that I’m the only one you can have sex with. So it’s no longer about just want. It’s a necessity.”

“That works both ways.”

“I know that, Brian. But you’re hardly ever here. You work all the time, even when you are here at the weekends. You went on three business trips in the last month. It’s not that I can’t live without sex for that time. It’s the fact that I’m wondering if you’re avoiding me.”

Wait a minute, what? How did he arrive at that conclusion? We had been busy over the last couple of months, we always were at this time of year. And I had been away a lot, which I hadn’t done for a long time. But that had nothing to do with him. It was just business.

“That works both ways as well. You paint a lot.”

“Only because you're working anyway. And then this thing with Rory happened and you were so very angry that I thought you didn’t want me anymore. But after a day or so in New York, I realized that you were just scared, weren’t you? You thought, because it was with someone I know, that I would run off with him, didn’t you?”

I hated it when he told me how I felt, mainly because he was usually right. Like now. But there was no way in hell I was going to admit that.

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time,” I grumbled. “Or the second.”

“It wasn’t like that. It was about a hot young guy hitting on me. Repeatedly. It was really no different than what you did before. But I admit that, to you, it didn’t look that way. I’m sorry that I made you worry.”

I wanted to tell him that I hadn’t worried but then I felt that staying silent would work just as well. He looked at me and, fuck, were his eyes always that blue?

“So now what?” I asked eventually.

“I want us to work less. Both of us. I want you to stop going on business trips and to come home at a decent time. I want us to spend the weekends together. Just us, when Naomi is with her grandmothers. I want us to actually do something together. I can’t even remember the last time we went to the movies or even just a meal. And it would hurt Naomi none if you would actually come along with us at the weekends either, when she is here.”

“Justin, we own a company.”

He sighed. “We have more money than we could ever want or need. Twice over. We're living to work, not the other way round and it’s just stupid.”

He was right about the money, as he was right about the workload we both had on. Maybe I had worked a lot more because he had seemed less available recently or maybe it had been the other way round. It was difficult to tell at this point. And I certainly hadn’t spent much time with Naomi for a while. Hell, some days I didn’t even see her because I left early and came home late. Somewhere along the way, I had got my priorities screwed up.

“New rules?” I asked with a sigh.

“No working when we’re both home. For both of us. And you leave work at five every day. At the latest.”

“Seven.”

“Six.” He grinned. “And you come to Naomi’s hockey matches when it’s our turn to take her.”

I pursed my lips and then stepped forward to kiss him. That always sealed all our deals. It was inevitable that the kiss led to groping and clothes coming off. I hadn’t had sex for a week, for fuck’s sake! First, he was in New York, then there was the aborted fuck on Tuesday when the condoms came out, then he was away again. There was an urgency between us that wasn’t so much unusual as magnified. We barely made it onto the bed.

When he handed me the condom with the lube, he looked as if he was about to cry. I had to say that it wasn’t as bad as the times before. I still hated the sensation on my dick, but there wasn’t that feeling of guilt or cursing my own stupidity. I had strayed three times in the past. Once when Naomi came into our lives and twice after, though the last time was more than five years ago. For me, it got a little easier to resist as I got older.

Of course, the times when I had brought out the condoms, Justin had reacted much better than I had on Tuesday. There had been a look of disappointment and hurt and then a quiet acceptance. I, on the other hand, had completely blown my top when the shoe had been on the other foot. I had snarled and sneered, especially after I found out who the other guy was, until he left the bedroom and eventually the house.

I realized the next morning that it was just fear. He had left me for another guy twice before, after all. And part of it was the fact that his lapse had taken me by complete surprise. While I could imagine him finding someone else, someone easier, and sometimes had nightmares about that still, I had never expected him to trick. So I had assumed straight away that it was more than that. I probably would have calmed down if he hadn’t run off. Still, I had behaved abysmally compared to his reactions to my slip-ups. But it was good that for once, when I put on the condom, he was the one to look away in shame. Sometimes it was very frustrating to live with someone who never set a foot wrong.

We fucked for several hours. At this rate, we would have to go out and get more condoms before the holidays were over. And then I just lay there and enjoyed holding him and the reassurance that I would do the same tomorrow and every day after that. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to enjoy the fruits of our labor and just be. Not completely, I could never be without the challenge of work, but it would be good to stay home a bit more. Naomi wouldn’t be here much longer and soon she would no longer want to do things with her parents, so if I didn’t do it now, it would be too late for her. I had experienced with Gus how quickly time passed when you had children.

“I will never leave you,” he said quietly.

He didn’t know that. He couldn’t know that. What was certain was that I would never leave him. Then I shook my head at my own thoughts. If I was so sure of that, what gave me the right to doubt him? He was the one who had been faithful for over ten years. It was just my fucked-up insecurities. And Ethan? Really, Kinney, after all this time? You’re so pathetic! It was really time to enjoy what we had and stop worrying about what might be.

“Tell me,” I said, pulling him a bit tighter. “If it wasn’t Christmas, would you have come home yet?”

“I don’t think I would have lasted much longer, but no, I would probably have left it a few more days.”

I kissed him because he looked so apologetic and I put my leg over his, hooking him closer still. “Maybe Christmas isn’t so bad after all.”




THE END

Comments

[yvonnereid.livejournal.com]

Wow,I really enjoyed this story alot.Thanks so much for sharing it :)
Happy Holidays xoxox

[penny-sieve.livejournal.com]

Happy Holidays and thanks for the lovely gift!

[duffy-60.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the lovely gift, sweetie! That was such a good read, and also very believable. Have a wonderful Christmas!!

Daph
xoxo

[koalared.livejournal.com]

That was delightfully angsty with a wicked twist.
Thank you for all your fics and please keep on writing.
Merry Christmas!

[bksbracelet.livejournal.com]

Oh well done I assumed it was Brian that cheated that was very clever :) I loved my gift so much thank you. Happy holidays hun, my aussie Christmas is going to be a scorcher of a hot day and I am cooking a traditional Christmas dinner :( with beautiful king prawns and ham for tea XX Chris

[mander3-swish.livejournal.com]

what a wonderfully angst-filled christmas present! it even made me cry!

I was seriously PO'd at Justin when he hadn't arrived on cmas morning...how could somebody do that to their kids! he's darn lucky that he had the weather/car troubles to blame or I woulda kicked his ass!

but anywho, awesome fic. loved it!

have a very merry christmas!
*smooches*

[dean1955.livejournal.com]

Let me first say thank you for the wonderful and unexpected gift. I was so excited when I saw it, I printed it out and read it while drinking a cool glass lemonade and eating some holiday chocolates. I live in Florida and the temp hit 84 degrees today. Yikes!

You were very cheeky to lead us on and make Brian the innocent one in the end. Once again, you took the obvious and turned it on its head. We are all so quick to think the worse of Brian, it would never occur to us that Justin was the reason for the fight.

What a wonderful surprise to visit this universe again. We got to see a matured Gus and a talking Naomi. We also got to see a loving and fatherly Brian. I think you captured perfectly how a mature Brain would be. I loved his honest interaction with his children and his realization that they both turned out healthy and well-adjusted.

I think the whole story rang true from start to finish. While Brian and Justin spent most of the story apart, we could still feel the love and uncertainty pulling them together. I think my favorite scene was when Justin came home, and Brian sensed it, and then described all of Justin’s habits.

I hope this will not be the last time we visit this story and universe. Now that Brian is a committed father to both Gus and Naomi, I think he is a more complete and interesting man.

I hope you had a safe travel and a glorious holiday.

Thanks again for the gift Betty!

Smiles!
Veronica

[pet0511.livejournal.com]

What a perfect gift! I mean it's a positive surprise to get a gift at all but then it's even such a perfect one and I'm smiling. Big. I like and see Brian, and I "knew" that it wasn't Brian this time who was the cause for bringing up the condoms. I "knew" it long before he told the story. That was amazing because obviously we were on the same Brian-page here. Brian, so I see canon, acts differently when he did some shit. He is way more offensive in his attempt to not giving the guilt the upper hand. But when it comes to Justin's fucks up (Ethan) he reacted then like he reacted here: he doesn't tell anyone, of course he doesn't but he kinda "stays still", he goes through things in a for him untypical normal and nice way, he is setting points and hm, yes, it is as if he shields Justin against the blame from the others, even when those others can't have any idea that Justin could be blamed for anything in the first place. That he did here, too. He went through the Christmas thing after Justin had left, calm, step for step and, so I would say, cautious, watching, waiting, always prepared to "protect" Justin. I think you made Brian perfectly ic here.

The last scene with BJ in the bedroom made me a bit sad because again Brian's fears are so true. How can Justin know that he won't leave him again? The Ethan-thing and Justin's leaving in S 5, Justin had reasons which I can understand but both times there were some aspects, too, which let me lose my trust in Justin a bit, I mean in the fact that Justin won't leave again. Coming from that, I understand Brian's doubts. And his queening out about Justin fucking his agent. Such things are different in their meanings when it comes to Justin doing that, and he said it here: he had a reason, it wasn't just about fucking. Justin is way more dangerous because his actions and his thoughts aren't as much predictable as Brian's.

So. I had pretty much "fun" reading out gift and spamming your journal afterwards.

Thank you so much and have a good time and a happy holiday season!!!!
Pet

[ls1966.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this beautiful gift, love it ;-)

Enjoy the holidays, hope to see you around a lot next year ;-)
Hugs linda

[flequillitos.livejournal.com]

You couldn't give us a better present!! really, since the firts sentences I thought that Brian had fell of the wagon again :7 you are evil!! but I knew Justin will never leave his family alone in christmas

Merry Christmas! ;D

[cori1950.livejournal.com]

Merry Christmas! Beautiful story! Thanks for sharing your talent.

[camelhaircoat.livejournal.com]

Merry Christmas, Betty, and all the best for a happy and healthy 2012.

An angst-filled but happily ending B/J fic under the tree? Who could ask for anything more -- certainly not me! You can be my personal shopper any time.

Hug,
Amy

[blue-eyedstar.livejournal.com]

Now THIS is what i call a Christmas-gift! *smooches*

[rainbow1907.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this wonderful Christmas present!!! *tackle-hugs you* It's all kinds of awesome and reading it made me HAPPY ♥♥♥
I hope you have/had a lovely Christmas with your dear ones and lots of wonderful Christmas presents of your own :)
Huge happy hugs from Rena ♥

[hopperl.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! What a wonderful Christmas surprise this was. As I am winding down from a VERY LONG weekend of family and festivities I was looking for a way to put off the "final clean up" and this was the best procrastination too ever! I fell for your bait and switch for sure. Poor Jusin, turning 40. I can only tease because he was always so smug about his young age and/or indifferent about age completely it seemed. I guess 40 brings down even the best people. :) A college aged Gus and a little fire cracker Naomi were completely brilliant and I loved them so much! Thanks again, and I hope your holidays were bright and merry!

[love4movies.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful surprise!

Needless to say I loved it and a lot of things I thought are already commented on by others.
Reading your story I was wondering, who fell off the wagon and for a split second I felt for the very first time, that if Brian tricked again they couldn't make it. So, in a way I was relieved it was Justin (as I had hoped - how can someone hope for this? Eeks).

Your Brian in love is the best in the whole fandom. What was certain was that I would never leave him. (...) I put my leg over his, hooking him closer still.

[95baker.livejournal.com]

Oh...I am so glad that I was going to re-read Making Sense of it All and found this. Made my day. And boy did you have me, I am angry with Brian (still am a little, 3 times?!?) and it was Justin who tricked. Sad how these two can bring me to tears. But Brian is right, Justin always tricked with those who were in love with him. Glad to see these two are still in love and having failures to communicate after 20 years, LOL. I love that Brian loves Naomi. Made me happy.

Betty, I hope that you had a wonderful holiday and a very happy New Year. I truly hope that you continue to write these two. You are brilliant.

Many hugs, Kate

[pam81.livejournal.com]

Oh Betty… that was a fabulous gift! What a wonderful surprise.
A story that made me sad, that made me almost cry, but that also made me smile, because it was great to see a grown-up Naomi and a grown-up Gus (that is so smart btw)
Even after all these years, they’re still able to fuck everything up, but as always, the love they have for each other, at the end wins!
I think you did a great job, also because you keep them IC and it wasn’t easy ‘cause this is the future, but you made it!

Thanks for this my dear! Happy Holidays ♥ Hugs

[esmaro.livejournal.com]

Merry Christmas!!!
Thank you so much for your wonderful Christmas present!
Best wishes for 2012!!!

Hugs,

Esther

By the way I am so behind in my reading that I didn't have the time to read "Trying to make some sense of it all" yet but I hope to do it this week, I am really looking forward to it.

[petulant2u.livejournal.com]

omg I sOOOOO loved this! What a surprise twist at the end! I would have never suspected Justin! lol Nice to see he's human too, and Brian's reaction? Priceless! And so typical Brian!

I'm sorry I missed this, I can't tell you how much I love all your stories

Thank for sharing this one.

Gina Marie

[zazuburgh.livejournal.com]

La, I just found this and how lovely it is! I love the undercurrent of sadness that washes over it all, balancing the sugar of the holiday details. And tart little details of realistic family life intruding on all the 'life in Britin castle' stuff. Like this: Molly turned up with some sullen guy with piercings and dyed hair and they both barely stayed for dinner. LOL

Naomi came to sit sideways on my lap and leaned her head against my chest. This was how we were. I did not always know what to say to her and a lot of things concerning her made me vaguely uncomfortable, triggering my worries that I would be a damaging influence in her life. But she had always done this, more than she did with Justin, who was definitely her main carer, she was full of hugs and kisses with me and often slept on my chest when she was little. I was okay with that. I could not always give her the emotional support or even the attention she deserved, but this I could do.
This was my favorite characterization in the story. She has told him as best a child can that she adores him just as he is, and he is giving her 'the emotional support' she needs; but he is forever in doubt. Ah, Brian. Beautifully done.